Lately.....

I've been feeling more and more hopeless. I kept randomly crying, for "no reason" and all i do is eat and sleep. I feel so hopeless. i really don't want to get out. I wanna stay home. I don't have aspirations like I used to. Therapy feels hopeless, but it's whatever I still have to go, 'cause it's going to take a long time, but I really do want to be happy. I want to be interested in life. For longer than a couple hours, you know?
My next appointment is the fifth of december and i have a different appointment for evaluation on the sixth. I may or may not get meds, we'll see what happens. I'll update if anything.
Long day
-E.S-

10:3

Jay-Z booming through my ear buds
[A rather sick obsession]

Small fingers blistering around a rusted chain
[Unsanitary]

Juice the color crimson trickling down a smooth tan surface
[My only vice]

Little legs pumping back and forth, moving quick
[Getting nowhere fast on a pendulum]

Cute face eerily showing no expression
[Hypnotized without a doubt]

No lust for life and always empty inside
[Isolated]

Brown eyes never fixed on anything for too long
[They've seen too much already]

Always going in a circle. Same mistakes
[I never learn]

Flushed when I notice
[The sizzle of a new flame]

My heart sure mended pretty quickly
[Or was it even broken?]

Heart booms. Head throbs when I come to the realization
[Reality Check]

Must cover up the very thing that will someday bring up questions
[Quick before you see it and run the other way]

Overdue

Updated

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Awkward

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Had a blah day

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This is Me

One of my best quotes is "You Bring out the Part of me That you Most Despise" And I like it, because it's true. I'm a very sweet, loving, and caring girl, very hyper when i'm on Mountain Dew, and very low when I can't get outside. My anger drives me to rebellion, stealing, and Vandalism. I have a side to me that certain ingrates despise. Yet it's the very side that they bring out in me. That's when I turn from Entity to Skitzo. I'll have a potty mouth, cause a scene, and I won't hold back or bite my tongue at all. I won't give seven thousand flying fucks about it, either. That's probably not the way to go, but that's just me. If you don't like that side, then don't drive me to that point. It's that simple. Love me, or Leave me alone; if you don't like me, pretend I don't exist. It costs you nothing to ignore me.

Ch-Ch-Ch- Changes

Aside from cutting my hair, I should've updated you on my crush. Now I'm very picky, so when i like someone, you KNOW they must be all of that.
This boy is HOTT. And still ADORABLE. Which is a big big bonus. I don't fall for guys the way I'm falling for this one and so far all we've had is innocent eye contact, and sometimes massive eye sex. But that's pretty much it.
Oh, also, I was looking at my pictures and I discovered something new. See... I HATE my nose, but it photographs really well. Cool.

Entity Smokes - Whispering.Oaks - I'm Not the Girl You Used to Know

Entity Smokes is the new me.
But who is the new me? What does the 'new me' consist of? New hair? New clothes? New taste in music? A new style? Is it a physical thing? A mental thing? A personality thing? All of the above? What does 'New me' mean?
That I find my place, perhaps, and work on things to better myself. But where do I belong? How can I Find my place if I can't even find myself? What does this mean for my friends? Will they be harmed by this? What happens next?
Who's got the answers? Does it lie within myself? Where do I go? What do I do? And what happens next for me?

Scents

I would guess for ur bday tomorrow you would want for me to leave u alone from then on but I had to get this off my chest.I know I was a fool and I blew it for the last time, so im not even going to bother asking for a chance but I was wrong and Im not over you and I do miss you

Yesterday mr. Weiss taught me that people are attracted to other people's natural scents and with ur natural scent u can attract a potential mate. That made me think of you.That day that we went to the library and sat out front, and just held each other for a long time.... I could smell your natural scent off ur skin and it's the craziest thing ever but when I could smell it, I thought... "Yeah, i could spend the REST of my life with him"

.... And Lastly I wanna dedicate to you White Flag, by Dido. Coz every line she says.. I feel so check it out and if you know it... check it out again.

Victim of Society

I found myself in distress
Stumblin and trippin over mess
Walk into a room and see all my friends
With pearly white smiles and each with a shoulder to lend
I reach my hand out to grab one but she's so stiff
Startled, I jump back, head falls off, 'cause she's plastic
If it was anything I learned, it's that love is just like magic
It feels so fantastic
But half the time It's nothing more than an illusion
I try not to get caught up in confusion
But im a fabulous payless wedge heel sandal
Surrounded by the same multi colored sneakers. Phonniess and scandal
There's no variety
these kens and barbies walk talk dress and act the same
Find myself a victim of society
Ignorance is to blame
They seem like they know just where they stand
But they jock others so much, nothing more than a stan
Express opinions so strong, and just when I'm feelin 'em
Realize they change into who ever they with, little chamillions
And I really wish they knew they didnt have to fake it with me
Because
Like a shark smells blood, I can smell insecurity
When they
Laugh off a remark trying to hide the way embarassment looks
Or they feel stupid being excluded from conversations so they pretend to be into their books
I know it all you really grow up when you realize
There's no one there to hold u in their arms and wipe your eyes

I've got a. Secret burried inside waiting to be found/
Because he's got/
Sparkles in his eyes that dance around/
Smooth skin that often times I crave to taste/
And hands I long to feel holding my waist/
His barritone being the only music that I hear/
Masculinity/
That erases all my fears/
Swagger that sets my heart and imagination ablaze/
With passion/
And excitement from him touching in elaborate ways/
Each making up for what the other one lacks/
Secrets/
And/
Lines being crossed so far there's no turning back/
The ultimate sin no doubt/
Yet somehow/

It's Beautiful

Idiot! You broke it!

U broke it

Not just all the wonderful plans I had that was in the near future

Not just the promises

Not just my soul

You broke my heart



Shattered beyond repair.

For good this time



And I cant give my heart to anyone else

Because its just that broken.



It was a good story, the one of you and me.

A good one.



Never gave it a chance though. Not enough. Didn't care for it enough



To fight for it like I did



Maybe you got bored with the story.

Whatever it was



Shortly after the first chapter



You closed the book

He's so Fly

Smooth talkin stylish guy
You stay fresh and you stay fly
Swagger takes their breaths away
You get hit on everyday

Must admit you stole my heart
Feenin for you from the start
Saw what others could not see
Thought about you constantly

Whenever you would try to speak
Girls would turn the other cheek
I showed you some attention
You showed me your affection

You suddenly became mine
Girls suddenly found you fine
So up went your confidence
Along with your ignorance

Girls they want what they can;t have
Fall for it and you'll be damned
Allure of the forbidden fruit
Would change their mind once they got you

Girls they don't appreciate
A good guy when he comes their way
Trust me boy when I say
My love you cannot replace

Soo make up your mind today
Do you want to stray away
I wasn't scared to fall for you
But I will never crawl for you

Foolish pride, don't make that mistake
You cannot have and eat your cake
Go to them and you'll realize
You gave up such a good prize
You will see that you were wrong
But turn around and I'll be gone

Case of the Ex

Everything I say. Everything I do. It's never good enough for you.
You drain me and drain my soul. It's exhausting. Trying to please you. But why? I don't need you. You've done nothing for me in the long run. Sure you've gotten me a few things, done a few favors. But I had no idea you expected so much in return. Can't you do something just to be nice? Just to see me smile? No. You hate my smile. You always have. And now I have to remember to hide my smile when I'm around you.

And just when I think you've accepted me, you chose something else. Something that no longer has anything to offer you. Something I tell myself every time that it can't compare to me.
Am I wrong? I used to be so cute to me. And now I'm nothing. Now I try so hard to be accepted. You've changed me. Made me into someone that must put others down, to raise myself. Made me into someone that envies what you prefer. And for what? I get nothing.

Why do I even try to gain your acceptance? If I had it, then what? Maybe I'm just in it for the satisfaction. Maybe I would feel like I can gain someone else's acceptance, too....

I always think, Well, maybe if this was different. Maybe if I was just a little taller... Maybe...
Maybe I should blame myself. Maybe I should not judge myself through your eyes. Who are you, anyway? Why do you get to decide right from wrong, good from bad. Beautiful from ugly?

So what do I do?
I just convert intangible pain into physical pain. It's what I do best, anyway.... right?

A pretty red ribbon

I wanna see blood. So bad. A perfect bubble in a beautiful red color. A bubble that blooms, and eventually overflows into a ribbon, sliding down. Sliding down, like a river. In the river, flowing away is a bunch of troubles, and worry. Stresses, and all that other bad stuff that makes you want the river to go on, and on. When the color fades, squeeze for more to come. Dripping, flowing.... running.

With the start of a prick, something sharp. A blade, a fingernail, a pin...
And a feeling too overwhelming to bare.

That's when tears are held back. And in place of a heart crying out in sorrow, a dagger is pressed gently agaisnt a palm that has sinned...

And there - in a line - appears a perfect plush bubble. Beautiful, rosey colored...

Sacrifice

Calling eyes look deep and mesmerize

Tingling lips press against
each other

Tempted hands run across smooth
bodies of silk

Treasures are found

Secrets are shared

Fingers linked

Two become one

and discover a new world

"I'm Not at Home in My Own Home"

I walked around examing each room. Touching everything
gently, running my fingers along edges.

The home was very lived-in. Ver cozy. I spent most of my
time in his room. But the room that stood out the most to me was the living
room. It was a small space, kind of dark. I loved the feeling of it. The
most cozy, the most lived in room. On the coffee table was an ash tray,
probably a mountain of ashes, and a truck load of cigarettes. I detest
cigarettes. The smell. The smoke. Wrapping its hands around my neck, and
choking me.

But somehow, this time was welcoming. It made me love the
family without knowing them. Just the feeling of their home. The living room.
I wanted to stay there, with my thoughts. I kept feeling everything without
touching anything. Photographing the room, taking everything in with my eyes.
Drawing it over in my mind. Painting the picture with my words. Through my
writing...



I always go home, and wonder why my place isn't as homey.
Why I felt at home in a stranger's house, but my own home feels strange.

My other half

Left without right
Eyes without sight
The stars without light
A plane without flight

Summer with no sun
A burger with no bun
A child who knows no fun
The lonely number one

It's like a fairy tale without a kiss
Though it's long overdue, I'm telling you this
You are my complete, and total opposite
Yet somehow, together we fit

Uncanny, as if the sky just stopped being blue
That would describe Me without You

Inspired by the piece "Through My Eyes" by BabyHovita.- 'The Things That Make Up Me' Ms. Sharpie

I draw and try to capture what I see
The way his eyes light up, the way he smirks
But can't get down what is right before me
I see him as a piece of God's best work

It seems his eyes are where I see it all
His eyes, which sometimes look like they are sad
Like mine, I wish that he could hear my call
His eyes, which glisten when he is so glad

And he can always make me laugh so quick
Something incredible that I adore
Something intangible, almost magic
Perhaps it's not his eyes, but something more

I feel like giving up on all my tries
May be the way he's seen through my own eyes