Can't quite figure me out

I'm strange. I have so many weird quirks. I LOVE Hunny Buns, but i won't buy them. I won't buy anything that is "strangely priced" They cost 35 cents. (GRR.. why doesn't the keyboard have the cents sign, but it has $???)Why can't it cost 25 cents or 50 or 75? Why something weird like 35???

I Bug the HELL out of SC, because I CAN. And because I know that he's so normal, and he's really sweet, and he can be sooo mean, but he's a really sweet guy, and it must kill him that I know that. HAHAHA.

I have a connection to the number four. I love it. Don't ask; I don't get it either.

I want to run away. For so long, I've felt emptiness inside of me that I can never fill. I have a fantasy world. For some time, I tried to knock myself out of it, but then I decided this is me. And I let it go. It's just as bad as drugs, b/c it screws with my head, but I can always find David and have him remind me the difference between reality and fantasy.
In this place I take my mind to, my school is Kid Creations, and my classes are things like dance (hip hop) Singing, film making, modeling, writing, photography... All my peers are accepting and welcoming, because we all have an understanding. No matter how different we think we are, we are all connected in some way, and they know that. We all love each other. And I have a group of best friends (((Like i used to for real))) and we all are like brothers and sisters, visit each other, go out of our way to help each other... oh, he broke your heart? Well, I have violent thoughts that I'm too smart to follow up on, but I'll stop IMing that boy I like, and I'll take you for some banana - strawberry ice cream at kennedy fried chicken. -(my treat)- we can either talk about it, or ignore it. Your call.
And my friends would see me crying, and don't even ask me why. They don't tell me to stop crying, they don't tell me it's ok. they don't say anyhing. they just hold me. Even if it's in the middle of Duane Reade. They hold me, and rub my back, and soothe my hair, until I'm done having my moment. And when i'm done -then I'll talk about it - Maybe
And we won't let each other fall, we won't watch each other. If you think you're fat, and stop eating, bitch I'll hold you down, and force feed you. But we have our moments, skip a class or two, and meet at the train station... start putting on little shows in the trains, the boys banging out beats with watever surrounds them, some rap, some sing, and the girls, too. And if there's enough space, we'll dance too.

And we ride the six all the way from the Bronx, the first stop (Pelhem Bay) to manhattan, get off, look around the stores, go back on, and ride it to brookyln...

REALITY CHECK: I actually have a daily routine. Go to school depressed, but hug everybody, go home, turn on the computer, ma calls "Do your homework" and I'm thinking 'Huh??? What's that?' And I have two close friends, two others I'm getting closer to. And we all depressed for the same reason. And when I'm feeling really down there - I try hard not to bug SC, because he don't want to hear from me unless I'm happy.

I smile a lot, though... Oddly enough....



You think I'm crazy? What?? Well fuck you.... bitch

Odds are true. Evens are false

1. I remember my apartment, how big it was
2. I remember the empty corridors, and the exit sign.
3. I remember at 3, learning to write, and spell. E-X-I-T... E-X-I-T....
4.I remember hearing kids in the room singing.
5. I remember the chipmunks singing at 7:30 in the morning
6. I remember seeing my picture up on the walls
7. I remember daddy breaking my picture frame with the baseball
8. I remember kids lined up in two's, heading for the assembly room
9. I remember my best friend saying my room was like a stage
10. I remember singing, dancing on stage, looking down at people
11. I remember my fifth birthday being the worst. I wanted to be 4 forever
12. I remember the cheers when my performance was over
13. I remember the claps when I blew out my candles
14. I remember the smell of the instructor's perfume
15. I remember the smell of bakery cake, even though I wanted home made
16. I remember passing the office, catching a glimse of me in the glass
17. I remember staring at my reflection, creating a new world
18. I remember writing the heading on my paper. Kid Creations.
19. I remember looking in the mirror when I made up the name. "Kid Creations"
20. I remember my father holding me up high, I could reach the clock
21. I remember my mother throwing the phone at her husband
22. I remember not wanting nap time, because I needing more music.
23. I remember waking up in pitch black, from having nightmares so young.
24. I remember wanting to live at that youth center
25. I remember teaching myself to blow a buble with my gum
26. I remember blowing a bubble to fill the room
27. I remember having my picture taken every five minutes
28. I remember having my picture taken every second
29. I remember watching It Takes Two, the twins running
30. I remember me and my twin running down the halls
31. I remember climbing up the dresser, falling, and crying
32. I remember laughing, standing on the desk
33. I remember waking up to my mother saying "she turned blue"
34. I remember the pool on the third floor, the clear blue water
35. I remember the swings, music, daydreams were all I had
36. I remember Kid Creations gave me everything
37. I remember the landlord kicking us out, dady didn't pay the bills
38. I remember the center on fire, being told to go home. The building was no more
39. I remember waking up. The building never was
40. I remember the scariest thing. My first reality check

Ma, Cry Me A River, Build A Bridge And Get Over It

(By my mother)

Dec. 4th, 2006

You talk about being depressed you should waslk in my shoes. You still don't get anything I've told you or writen to you. (1)

(2)You don't take your notebook/binder to school. I told you clearly to show me your class work everyday and you still defy me and do what you want so I think you need to move with your father (3)


(4) The world does not revolve around you. You are NOT a queen or princess.
(5) Shawn ["Jay-Z" Carter] is NOT going to save you

So shape up NOW or ship out
_______________________________________My response:___________________________________

(1) She wrote be meaningless essays, PLEASE!
(2) this was only the second school day that I had to start going to all my classes, she exaggerated way too much
(3) I asked if I could, and she said no... figures
(4) LMAO... She seriously thinks that when I write Hovita the Queen, that I REALLY believe I rule all???? Stupid
(5) [I answer this in what Im about to say, there'll be a * next to it]

Jesus Lord!

* I am a fan. I grew up on him. She acts like I have a shrine wher I praise him. Like I wrote a Jigga Testament. Like if I think he's GOD. If there's anyone I asked to save me, it really is God himself.

Yeah, so I'm an idealist. I daydream all the time and I like it that way. When reality gets to be too much, rather than do drugs or something else bad, I daydream. I take my mp3 player, go on the swings, and daydream for an hour.

That's not to say I believe it's going to happen. It's one of those "It would be so cool if..."

Stop the believeing that I'm psycho and think it's going to happen. (It's bad enough he, himself teases me and calls me Crazy... actually, it's funny, but whatever...) Of course, it's possible. But highly unlikely, I know. It's called a F A N T A S Y.
No sense in feeling like crap all day everyday. I take ME time a lot. It;s actually healthy. See these planets on my face? You're the cause for that.
You're such a drama queen. For real! I'm not a crininal. If I don't listen, let me learn the hard way. It my be hard for you to watch me fall, but no one said it would be easy. Just that it would be worth it. It's a journey. My life isn't boring, so I could say... I'm young, I'll make 1,000,000,000,000,000 more mistakes along the way. But the outcome should be good. I'll be a smarter, stronger person. Trust me, I'm NOT STUPID!

I'm sitting back, chillin. I know the outcome of what I do. I'm so testing you. You're failing your ass off. And I don't have a plan B so I'm still going 'till you get stronger and realize I'm not being waisted, I know exactly what I'm doing. Yeah, you say you got problems too. It's not like I'm asking for sympathy. I never ask for help. I'm a lot more laid back than you, and I fix what I can. You throw tantrums. That's the kind of parent you are. What kind am I? Smack the kid upseide the head and SHOW them how stupid they are. You scream and cry, Boo Hoo, I'm Too Nice To You. So stop it then. Yeah, I take advantage. The one thing that is precious to me is privacy. I need it bad. I'm 14 so I'm not life to you? Get out of here!

I take advantage, and I think, "well, maybe she'll realize that her ONE flaw as a parent is that she's a doormat with me. When she changes that, there won't be trust issues, 'cause then I'll have more respect.

Think I'm selfish? Think again. I'm testing you on purpose. You overcame never having love, but you can't be more tough with me?? I'm sorry, but I haven't fainted for not feeding myself, I don't have a baby bump, I didn't end up in the hospital for drug overdose, and in no way am I heading in that direction. Stop reading my diaries. Certain things I keep private and under my bed for a reason, and everything else I'll share with the world. So YOU. Shape up, or I'm shipping out.

I do it out of love

I smacked him upside the head. I wanted to put my foot up his ass, honestly. I did it out of love. He’s not my child,but he’s my friend. And he’s doing things that could get him killed. I wish he would change. It’s not worth it. And he's too smart to be so goddamn stupid.

I did it out of love, though. I care about him. Why he gotta be so foolish though? Being in a gang. What's so great about it? You think that makes you cool? You think it's a good thing? It makes you powerful? Better than anyone else?

In my opinion, if you need a group to beat someone up, you're the biggest wuss I'll ever hear of. It's not cool, it's not great. It's hell. Hell on earth. Why would you put yourself through that?

Why would he do it? He might be getting into some other problem, and so I walked up to him, and smacked him upside the head... He was sitting down though... He's too tall for me to smack while he's standing up. But that's beside the point. I hit him because it's his own stupid fault for getting himself into that in the first place.
He acts all nonchalant, but I wonder how he really feels inside. Is his heart beating fast, hard? Does his throat tie up in a knot? Or, being in a gang, where you have to do things... does he even have a heart?

He could get killed someday. It happens all the time. And I'd abandon him as a friend, but it's too late. I already care. And I don't want to be the one that has to identify his body one day, because I just couldn't do it. And I know he wouldn't want to do it, if the shoe was on the other foot. I've hugged him before. He has a heart. It beats a sweet melody. I want that melody to keep playing for a long, long time.

He has a sense of humor!

Sometimes we plan, and God just laughs.

Not to be mean or anything. But we swear
"I'll always love you"
"I'll never leave you"
"I'm going to be a singer when I grow up"
"I'm never having kids"

But then they hardly ever turn out the way we thought, right?

Well, if you believe in fate, then everything happens for a reason. And everything is planned out for us. You meet certain people for a reason. Some stay in your life, and some go, even if you don't want them to leave.

But sooner or later, you'll realize why some stayed and why some didn't.

When you go through hell, you'll eventually learn a lesson. And when you're asked if you would change anything from your past, you'll reply, "No. I wouldn't change anything, because everything I went through made me who I am today"

And you'll mean it.

So sometimes, we make plans, and God laughs. Not because he's mean. He just has a sense of humor.

Life Goes On

[When I skipped school, i wrote (Mon. 11/9/06)]

The clouds are moving. I see. I notice. I'm sitting on the bleechers in Pelhem Bay Park. And I see it. We're moving. The Earth. This planet.

And there's planes flying, birds flying every which way. Before, I sat here, and looked at the moon. Now I look back, and see the sun. It seems like we're moving toward it. I'm facing the opposite way the clouds are going. It's going right. I'm going left.

The people walk the track, cars move. And kids are at school. My music plays, and plays. It doesn't know what is going on with me. That it's saving me. And the clouds don't know I'm watching. Earth doesn't care that I need Jazzy. People don't know who I am.

They're still living.

The earth is still moving.

Life goes on.

"You can't run away from pain, you gotta move towards it"

The cover on my journal reads: 'Walks towards the sunshine and the shadows will fall behind.' And it's true. You can'y run away from pain, you gotta move towards it. Move closer to get it over with soon. And then hopefully you'll be able to realize why it happened. You should treat every experience as something you learn from.

We get hurt all the time. And we hurt people too. We are still young. We'll make millions of more mistakes in the future. You don't stop loving someone when they mess up. You love them even more. Because they need it. You think people are evil? Everyone is good at heart. Somtimes they deceive you, but don't even know they've got a deeper problem.

Some people make the same mistakes over and over. They're not proud. Believe me. I've been on both sides. They are tired of it. And they probably feel unloved and alone.

Forgiveness is a big thing. You can't hold grudges. Help them. And keep loving them. Never stop loving.

You'd want the same for you, wouldn't you?

Hip Hoppers

Remember, when cam and dmx complained about Jay wearing flip flops? And they said that's not hip hop? Remember when I complained that Jay is too grown for that childish shit they playing? And everybody said I'm just on his dick.

So, I may be Riding Jay-Z's dick a little too hard, but he said:

"I don't have to put up a front or act a certain way all the time. I can smile, and I can have fun. I'm not gonna wear nike airs on a 200 foot yacht and its 400 degrees outside. im not gonna do it. I don't care. Im not walking around the city, muthafucka. Im not walking around the city in jeans and flip flops. Im not doing that either. But im not gonna be in st. Tropez... I had on the fuckin white linen with the purple lable pinstipe pants. Im gonna dress according to the weather. im not gonn wear a long t shirt down to my kneees and walk around the beachim not gonna wear that. And if that means im not hip hop, then im not hip hop. Fuck it. Im secure with who I am. I don't have nothing to prove. Im a man first"

And you know what? He is right. He is soooo right. People are so much influenced by Hip Hop. And I'm not going to go into complaining about degrading lyrics. I'm going to save that for another day. Today, I'm going to talk about something else.Young people look up to hip hop, for new trends and whatnot, right? Well, these cats in the game are all putting up a facade. They're all fake. Seriously? You're going to let your feet sweat in hot weather because showing your feet is "not hip hop" ? How ridiculous is that????

You're going to listen to dudes that talk about women like they are trash, contstantly contradict themselves, and just act stuppid alltogether, becuase they are trying to maintain a certain image? When are they going to realize that they have got young people looking up to them? When are they going to realize that they need to set examples, and fucking GROW UPAnd people with your "Stop Snitching" shirts need to stop. That's a rule that's for people who sell drugs, because you have to keep your mouth shut. Don't apply that to your daily life, unless you are really on the streets. If your boy got shot, you wouldn't say anything???? Even if you knew who did it?

But maybe that's a bad example, coz you guys aren't living a shitty life like that. You guys have it good, clean running water, Air conditioners, new shoes. You're not from the hood. Stop saying you are. And yes, that's another thing jay said....

So maybe I'm on his dick, but at least he's real. At least I recognize who I look up to, and I look up to him for the right reasons. At least he has good taste, and does what he wants.I mean, I don't follow trends, I really can honestly say that I don't.

But maybe ya'll don't even realize its a subliminal message. Maybe some of you really like wearing suspenders, but not really wearing it. But you can't lie, a lot of people just wear it because everyone else is, right?I'm not gonna get into that any further. Whatever. You do you. I just had to get that off my chest.

So I may have some trust issues....

Here it go, Ms. Sharpie, bitching
again. Yup...

For you low lifers that keep in
touch with my ex, leave me alone! He's
not my father! Stop reporting
everything I do to him! He's (Kind of) my friend. That's IT! Not
even...!

And anything I say to you, keep your
mouth shut. Then you get mad
when I confront you for having diarrhea through the mouth. *Cough Cough* you
know who you are.

And hello, Dumb - Ass, it is
gossip! You say it's not, but it is! You hear a rumor, and you go telling my
man, or anyone that I associate with about it, and then they get mad at me, you
are gossiping! Mind your own business! I would handle it myself if anything
comes up. It's not your problem! Why would you tell
anybody anything I said about myself? IT WAS MY BUSINESS!

And once again, you get mad when I say something
about it... But you keep doing it.

Instigators: Go
away. Please. Nobody wants you. Nobody cares. You go up to people and say
"They were talking madd shit about you" Who the hell is
"They?" But you're asked who "They" are, and you do
everything in your power not to give out any names "You know, those bitches
that be talking shit" We ask for a name, and you say "I don't want to
start any problems"

BITCH, you started the problem when
you came out your mouth. Who's
side are you on??? If you're not
going to tell somebody who's talking shit about them, don't come up and
instigate. Don't. It's pointless.