Looking back...

I miss the good old days, when I spoke to Jay more often. Sidekicks were $400 and I wanted one bad. I would have been the only seventh grader with it. Now everybody has one, so I want the Blackberry 9000.

Back when I had cable, and I was the first to know everything. I miss my music channels, but I've seen cable and it's not the same anymore. Teairra Mari's album was better than Rihanna's, but who knew Teairra anyway? Don't get me wrong, I love everything that comes out of Rihanna's mouth. It's just sad about Teairra. But I'm keeping my fingers crossed for her.
For now I'm obsessed with Karina.

The year 2007... as bad as this loser screwed me up, I think I recovered pretty well. But the Summer, oh man, crab legs, free crib, spinning till I fell, screaming 'Make it Stop!' clinging to the floor. And Gio sat on the floor screaming 'i'm a crack head' to make me feel good. That didn't work, 'cause yeah, I need love to be happy. He gets that now, unfortunately. It was good before guys corrupted us. My social life began deteriorating, and I started to care about who was watching me act like a total nut. (Thanks, a lot, Skitzo)
Churro... what a total waste of a nickname. Shame on you, fucking someones mother (thats so weak????)
And Baboooo<333 damn....

Now someone special to me, don't got a special name, but it'll come to me when we get closer (and I do hope that happens)
I'm torn because although I had so much fun a year ago, I don't want to give up the gift I was given in July. I hope to see that happiness again sometime soon, or maybe that was just the natural high of the infatuation phase of a relationship. I think we passed that.

I never got to know Bubba, but I know he's very important. There is high demand for the sequal.. At least I want it.

His Mexican, and Open Toes (Katharine McPhee<33)

And damn it seemed like every pic I took was fuckin flawless.

Can't do that anymore.. Don't know why....

I can never go to the mall again. I had a good time coming from it to sit on cars with elly but that was over quick.
Going back to that mall will bring tears.

Book after book after book...

We used to sit in the back of Duane Reade, the manager let us read magazines
Till they turned it into Deals.. Don't get me wrong I love the scrapbook supplies, but damn...
I have no pictures, not much special times to record, at least none that everyone should see.

It's too bad about that... I'd love a million pictures, the Casio Exilim in red, the BB 9000 a million shoes, somewhere to go every weekend, and a group of us
We need the take over to happen.
And at the end of the day to talk late on the phone with someone till I fall asleep


I suppose thats a lot to ask, but give me the last one, and I swear, I'm good.

Underneath this smile.... City High....

So morbidly afraid of death that
ironically I did kind of die.

Identity crisis after identity crisis.
And thinking.
Thinking is dangerous sometimes
Im so lost
Am I Fucking Crazy?????
Something as simple as My First Name
Doesn't define me
What the hell does?

How demonic do I look on them damn swings for two hours?
Im getting too old for that shit.

Fuck it. I don't care.

Me n Gio walk around and Talk.

Suddenly nothing seems real to us.
I mean, We dont feel real.
I run my hand along the brick wall as I'm walking, and it's scratching my skin
but that doesn't help

It's like the last time I got high, only without the Euphoria

Shit is disturbing.

Good to know I'm not the only one... I guess???

I want things to get better for all of us.

I pray a lot.
Sometimes it's exhausting. Doesn't seem like it helps much,

but Friday, August 15 I did a hell of a lot of it, and around 9PM. .... I guess that shit works, huh?

But, sugar, some part of it killed you..... it scares me.

Story of my Life...

I miss him. I miss the giddy feelings, the happiness, the feeling like I was in a wonderful dream. And even more I miss feeling like reality was way better than my dreams.
But what were we, really? It was an infatuation phase. Still, I think with that much infatuation, we could have learned more about each other, we could've had something solid. The second time around was a bit hard for me, being so paranoid, and look... Now it's over. Again. Now we're 'friends'. It's hard for me, it really is. He means so much to me. When I have a problem, he just listens and listens. It was the right thing to do. But it hurts. It really does. I have doubt of us becoming more anytime soon, but maybe one day. When the time is actually right. The time is always bad. But honestly if this is going to happen again, I want it to be right. And at this time it's too soon for it to be right. I can only just hope for the best. But I thank God that he is in my life at all.

It's About Time

Okay, I've been slacking off here, but now I'm back to the hustle. I should be getting a host for GD very soon. For now, I'm working on the layout, and the myspace page I set up for it. I'm really excited, I have a lot of ideas, and I'm sure it's going to work out great.

In other news, Gio and I are preparing for the takeover. Yes, it's long overdue. But I promise you will be blown away. What would you do without us? =)

Vacant

It should come as no surprise
I never said forever
And you made no promises

It was short lived, so I guess I'm

Overreacting
But then again
Isn't that was girls do?

We were both nervous, despite the
comfort
we had in sharing personal information
But I went in with hopes that I finally got it right
And you went in with caution, so as not to repeat past outcomes
It was a risk for both of us

Those days are gone;
feeling giddy
The random public smiles at the thought of you
Did you ever get those?

This situation wasn't so black and white
I attempt to accept the terms.
And I don't bother speaking to you
That would be pointless, since I know what your response will be

And as far as your lack of something to say
I hear you loud and clear

Lately.....

I've been feeling more and more hopeless. I kept randomly crying, for "no reason" and all i do is eat and sleep. I feel so hopeless. i really don't want to get out. I wanna stay home. I don't have aspirations like I used to. Therapy feels hopeless, but it's whatever I still have to go, 'cause it's going to take a long time, but I really do want to be happy. I want to be interested in life. For longer than a couple hours, you know?
My next appointment is the fifth of december and i have a different appointment for evaluation on the sixth. I may or may not get meds, we'll see what happens. I'll update if anything.
Long day
-E.S-

10:3

Jay-Z booming through my ear buds
[A rather sick obsession]

Small fingers blistering around a rusted chain
[Unsanitary]

Juice the color crimson trickling down a smooth tan surface
[My only vice]

Little legs pumping back and forth, moving quick
[Getting nowhere fast on a pendulum]

Cute face eerily showing no expression
[Hypnotized without a doubt]

No lust for life and always empty inside
[Isolated]

Brown eyes never fixed on anything for too long
[They've seen too much already]

Always going in a circle. Same mistakes
[I never learn]

Flushed when I notice
[The sizzle of a new flame]

My heart sure mended pretty quickly
[Or was it even broken?]

Heart booms. Head throbs when I come to the realization
[Reality Check]

Must cover up the very thing that will someday bring up questions
[Quick before you see it and run the other way]

Overdue

Updated

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